I have been somewhat obsessive about finding a job that I can work from home, in order to save for a move (anywhere will do). To be honest my life has been anything but clear, and to say that things are confusing is the understatement of the year. I have never been more overwhelmed, than I have been since becoming a wife and mother, not to say that I don't love being both of those things, because I do, very much.
The trouble has been with having no spiritual clarity what-so-ever. Needing/wanting so many answers, but not sure if my ears need a good cleaning out, or if there isn't anything being said. I want to be sure, and I'm not. So many times in the past I truly believed with ALL of my heart I was making the right decisions, only to find out that I was the only one that felt that way. In other words instead of trusting my gut feeling, I did what everyone else said, or what they wanted me to do. Much to my dismay, I have lived my entire life this way. The brutal truth is that I am a HORRIBLE decision maker.
Now in this next part, bear with me. . .
Not to say that because I grew up in church made me a horrible decision maker, but I do believe that it played a part in the way I make decisions. I was always told that you need to pray about everything/decision you make. While I do agree with that to a certain degree, I also feel like there is an extremely dangerous mind set that can come with this way of thinking. So many people that I have been around in church, truly believe that they are the voice of God, to the extent that they expect you to follow there advice to a T, and if you don't you are in sin. So with that said, I have always let everyone else's opinion determine what I choose to do.
Example: 3 years ago, I went to Dallas/Fort Worth to help film a movie, I remember thinking that I had without a doubt found my calling/career. I was then offered a job in Washington state, and it was an all expenses paid month long trip, once I had decided after that month in Washington, that it wasn't the right thing for me at the time, I had every intention of moving to Fort Worth after visiting my family for my parents 25 wedding anniversary. However, that would not end up happening. . . I am still here in Amarillo 3 years later. Now I wouldn't give up anything (hubby and daughter), but it did make me wonder a lot of what ifs (I know what ifs are dangerous illusions but sometimes you have to confront them head on to heal from them). Its hard sometimes, but I remember my sister Rebekah pleading in tears with me not to come back to Amarillo, and I told her I wouldn't. But for some reason, I let what everyone else said get to me, no one believed that I could make it there, and I believed them.
I'm so tired of feeling like a zombie, the past 3 years have really been like a dream that I can't remember. . . My husband and I both have expressed the need for a drastic change in our lives, I'm so ready to move, and to have clarity.
Let the peace of God rule your heart.
The body will seldom go where the mind has not already gone. Change you mind and your body will follow.
So heres my wish. . .
Grace, Peace, and Love To You All,
Sarah Nichole Van Doren
